An Examination of Straight Gals and Their Queer Pals By Peter Fritch
Spring 2006
Some girls reacted with nearly orgasmic elation when I came out of the
closet in my junior year of high school, squealing with an ecstasy that
both frightened and amused me. For these girls, having a gay friend was
even better than a free grande, non-fat, decaf, sugar-free vanilla
latte after their mani-pedis. The idea that their lives could imitate
“Will and Grace” far exceeded anything Daddy’s credit card could buy
them.
 (photo courtesy of Robert Morningstar)
And yet, based on my experiences and those of the majority of the people I contacted (and accidentally offended—more on this later), straight women and gay men have bonds that enhance, enliven, and cement their friendships beyond their shared lust for men. I wanted to investigate these bonds to reach some sort of overarching conclusion from the experiences of some people immersed in these relationships. Of course these conclusions will not be universal, and they will correspond primarily to the people I interviewed. Nonetheless, I hoped they would shed some light on this important social phenomenon.
The Hunt
I decided to start by asking around for some of the girls on campus who had a whole bunch of gay friends. I’m talking about the girls at parties surrounded by a big, sweaty, partially limp-wristed mob; girls that some would label as “fag hags,” “fruit flies,” or “flame dames.”
Through Facebook sleuthing (read: stalking), I found a few and contacted them. My message read: “Hey. I’m writing this article for kitsch about fag hags. You seem like a good person to talk to because you have a whole bunch of gay friends...”
Whew! Bad idea. Only one girl responded, so I was confused as to why all of them didn’t embrace this idea and immediately want to contribute to my fabulous article. Later I found out how I had erred.
I interviewed the sole respondent, Julia Vu ’06, who expressed her amused but slightly perturbed reaction to my proposition. She commented, “I think the term ‘fag hag’ is just pigeonholing people. It’s disarming when you first hear it. It’s like, ‘You’re different and I want to do a case study on you.’”
She later added, “How I see it is that my friends and I have similar interests and our interests bind us together. When I hang out with my gay friends or my straight friends, our personalities have a dialogue.”
It became clear after talking to her that the term “fag hag” carries a definite stigma with it. Sure, it’s a witty rhyming term, but each component word is far from flattering to either party. I’m pretty embarrassed to admit that I didn’t stop and think about this initially. How the hell did I not realize that the combination of the words “fag” and “hag” would somehow offend people?
Additionally, I realized that girls with a lot of gay friends are generally (and justifiably) defensive of these intimate bonds and quick to correct any misinterpretations or judgments.
The next day I felt the impact of my faux pas when I was confronted by another one of the girls I messaged. I was at a big gay party when Sorby Grant ’06 explained to me in irritated detail how my message (and the idea of the article itself) offended her.
Despite my inebriation, her point came across loud and clear: the term “fag hag” puts a label on people and makes them a function of their friends. She explained that she loved all of her friends, regardless of who they happen to be attracted to. I managed a muffled “Sorry,” and whimpered pathetically away, my tail between my legs.
I wanted to interview her to get her take on this issue because she had a lot to say. After some apologetic messages, I was able to talk with her. She said, “I think the term ‘fag hag’ compartmentalizes gay people and straight allies. It makes me feel like a predator. Every person has a different interpretation of it in their head, and so I don’t like being termed that.”
Potential Explanations
I was curious about the appeal behind having a gay friend, initially assuming that it was superficial and based on recent pop culture. But Feminist, Gender, and Sexuality Studies Professor Ellis Hanson explained that although “television has been oddly fascinated with intense friendships between gay men and straight women,” there has always been “an important cultural tradition of women (straight and otherwise) in loving relationships with gay men.”
And this cultural tradition, I found, has strong roots in conversation. Grant stressed the importance of fun, intimate dialogue. “Not to stereotype gay guys as being more emotional, but in general, I can have the potential to have an intense conversation about my emotions, and I can turn to them when I’m having any problems in my life,” she said. “With a lot of my straight guy friends, I can’t talk to them about every little thing in my life. With my gay friends, I can talk about PMSing, and they don’t get all grossed out.”
I definitely find this to be true in my closest friendships. A typical Saturday night in my dorm consists of me hanging out with girls before a party or some other event, talking about topics that would probably sicken (or at least discomfort) many straight guys I know. The thought of hanging out with “the guys” and watching “the game” crossed my mind as a funny addition to this story, but I would probably end up checking out the players, getting confused about the rules, and wasting a perfectly good Saturday night (do football games even happen on Saturday nights?).
The discomfort I would feel on a hyperbolically masculine “guy’s night out” may say something about my inability to fit cleanly into socially-popular gender categories. Vu has been suspected of having the same sort of unclassifiable personality, when it comes to gender roles, and she sees this as possible explanation for her friendships with gay males. “My friend told me that why I have so many gay friends is that I’m a gay man trapped in a girl’s body,” she said. “I don’t know if I am, but what I think he meant by that is that I have these masculine and feminine aspects in my personality,” she said.
Clearly, there is a wide range between the quintessentially masculine and the quintessentially feminine, and Vu explained that it would make sense that the majority of gay guys would fall somewhere in between, as would the girls with whom they develop intense bonds. She said, “Maybe that’s why I’m subconsciously attracted to gay guys as friends. Because they’re like me in terms of being in some intermediate area of a fluid spectrum of gender, but they’re still guys. And I like hanging out with guys.”
So while gay guys can provide a sense of safety because they and their female friends often fall somewhere in between masculine and feminine norms, Vu implied that there is also an additional sense of adventure because of their differences.
And many gay guys I know, including myself, often exploit this sense of security mixed with adventure to flirt with their female friends, and when I say flirt, I mean mutually molest. It is this habit that has earned me the nickname “Creepy Pete.” I don’t think I’m the only gay guy in the world to gain a title like that.
“Flirting for the Sake of Flirting”
Boob-grabbing and ass-slapping seem to me to be the resident handshake between straight girls and their gay friends. After a long absence of the other person’s company, nothing says “Hello, I’ve missed you” more than a hearty, full-palmed slap on the booty or a suave caress of the melons. Usually people who hump and spoon have some sense of attraction, but with straight females and their gay male friends, it’s more complicated.
“Flirting is a natural human behavior and it’s nice to do it without it leading anywhere,” said Inna Kleyman ‘06, “It’s like flirting for flirting’s sake because it makes both people feel good. I’m sure there is also the unattainable factor to it. Some people might be drawn to flirt with people they know they cannot have.”
Grant explained that this flirting, although a joke, can be an exploration of “the forbidden.” She said, “I don’t think it’s necessarily a physical attraction but it’s the appeal of something that has a limit and you knowing that you have a sense of freedom because of those limits.” These limits are very strong, and disgust, I’ve found, is a great way to prevent flirtation from escalating to something more.
One time I was wrestling with a female friend and my foot accidentally pressed against her clitoris. The ensuing awkwardness between us was enough for me to eternally avoid that region. Although pinching girl’s fannies and jocosely feeling their ta-tas may be common, I doubt that many gay guys would venture anywhere near that forbidden area that makes them dry heave: the revolting vagina.
“A Solution to the Age-Old Question”
The girls I interviewed generally preferred the company of guys to girls because there was less catty drama. According to Vu, “I feel most natural hanging out with guys because there’s less backstabbing and talking behind people’s backs.”
But at the same time, from my experiences, I think that straight males are generally less emotionally complex than most girls. Not that they’re less intelligent or introspective, but I believe straight males tend to see into things less.
That’s why I think gay males make the best companions for girls already inclined to have male friends. There is little to no opportunity for any natural attraction or sexual tension to escalate to a point where the friendship will end.
Kleyman explained that although she loves the company of men, “Many of my relationships with guys have deteriorated once 1) someone developed feelings that weren’t reciprocated, or 2) one or both people started dating other people.”
Gay males, according to Kleyman, provide the perfect solution to “the age-old ‘When Harry Met Sally’ question of whether guys and girls can just be friends. I guess my answer is ‘yes’ for all my gay guy friends and ‘almost always not’ for my straight guy friends.”
Perhaps the strength behind gay guy/straight girl friendships lies in the mixed sense of commonality and mystery, which has the potential for longevity. The idea is that gay guys, in understanding important parts of their female friends’ lives as well as being ignorant to other parts, allow for continued learning and sharing.
The idea that straight guys are the only ones who can provide an emotionally deep, satisfying connection for women is so last century. Out with the old and in with the new; gay guys are all the rave for a variety of reasons, and I suggest you explore these reasons with an open mind, an adventurous spirit, and a willingness to be sinfully groped. |
